


I Miss My Best Friend

by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy (hutchabelle)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loneliness, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hutchabelle/pseuds/buckybarnesdeservestobehappy
Summary: Steve Rogers misses his best friend.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 8
Collections: Comfortember 2020





	I Miss My Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> I had a few notes jotted down to write about my high school best friend who passed away earlier this year. Somehow, it turned into this, and I think he’d be okay with that.
> 
> Written for Comfortember 2020, Prompt 19 (Memory Lane)

My name is Steve Rogers, and I miss my best friend.

I know everyone says their best friend is the best, but in my case, it’s actually true. Bucky Barnes was his name—is his name—and I miss him every day. You see, Bucky fell right in front of my eyes. I tried to save him, but I couldn’t exactly reach. My arm wasn’t quite long enough, despite the serum and being a super soldier and all the other things being Captain America gave me. Being a national icon couldn’t give me back my best friend, at least not so far.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, his scream echoing in my ears and matching my own. It’s a recurring dream, and it never gets easier. Not before I fell in the ice. Not after I got out. Not after I saw him on the bridge. Not after he pulled me from the Potomac. The nightmare always comes, and it’s awful every time. It should make me feel better that at least I know he’s alive, but how can it when I’m positive he’s out there running and scared and terribly alone? Besides, knowing he’s somewhere but not with me is a special form of torment I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I’m determined to find him. Sam’s going to help me, and I think Natasha will, too, but he’s not going to be the same. That may be the real tragedy because the Bucky Barnes I knew before the war was the closest thing to perfection I can imagine. He was smart and funny and kind and fiercely loyal and knew how to inspire people. He loved his family and worked hard to provide for them. He took me in when I had no one else, and he followed me into the jaws of hell a hundred times to beat the Nazis. He believed in our cause. He knew what was at stake if the Third Reich won, the millions of additional people who would lose their lives, so he sacrificed his in exchange.

Bucky’s a hero. He really is, but he’ll never be the same, not after Hydra and everything he’s been through. I don’t have any doubts Bucky will beat this brainwashing thing. He may be the Winter Soldier to the rest of the world, but he’s Bucky to me. His handlers may think they’ve broken him, but they don’t know my best friend the way I do. He’s the strongest person I’ve ever known, and he’ll break their hold on him. No, the brainwashing won’t beat him. The only person that can whip Bucky is himself.

Back when we were young, I always wondered what made him sink into his dark moods. His life wasn’t easy, none of us had that during the Depression, but with his fire and passion and work ethnic and charm, he could have had it all. He should have been able to except for those damn fascists who decided to start a war, and that breaks my heart. What he could have been. How much he would have excelled at whatever he chose to do. He was always the best at everything he tried.

That included keeping me out of trouble, and I definitely gave him plenty of opportunities to save me. I just couldn’t help myself, not when there were wrongs to right and worthy causes to defend. I used to exasperate him, and I’m sure he’d shake his head at me now if he knew about the aliens and cyborg supervillains and everything else. Maybe he does. He’ll be keeping an eye on international incidents, if only to protect himself, and he’s probably shaking his head at the messes I keep getting into.

What I wouldn’t give to have him here with me, talking about the past, recalling old memories no one can share with me but him. The way his mom told us to go to sleep when we couldn’t stop giggling. The creaking floorboard in our apartment before he left with the 107th. The name of the first girl he kissed, and the words he said to me after. The way he felt against me in bed when he stopped pretending and allowed himself to relax. The way he used to tousle my hair in the morning and rub my back when I was sick. Every one of the recollections is precious, and I can only share them with him.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll lose those images without him here to remind me, but then they all come rushing back again. Smells help the most. I went to Coney Island once, the first time without him. It’s different now, bigger and busier, but the heart of it remains the same. I walked along the pier alone, the clack-clack-clack of the Cyclone and the scent of the sea salt, cotton candy, and hot dogs in the air. I could almost feel him in the breeze and the sun beating down on me.

My memories of him flood back all the time, bringing me comfort and reminding me that Bucky’s still alive. His heart continues to beat, even if it’s broken. He’s out there, trying to find his way back to me. I know he is. There’s no doubt in my mind, just like I know he didn’t blow up the UN building in Vienna or hurt anyone when he was in control of himself. Bucky’s never failed me, and I won’t abandon him.

So, yes. My name is Steve Rogers, and I miss my best friend. Bucky Barnes deserves to be happy. I’m going to make sure that happens, even if I have to take on the whole world to do it.


End file.
